October 24, 1997
By the time you read this pathetic letter, your beloved Father and beloved Uncle Donald will be on their way to South America on the tramp steamer "Juan Tizol". We are Leaving In Disgrace. We have learned today that we have been passed over by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and will not be inducted this year, our first year of eligibility, as we had hoped and dreamed.
I believe you know how Uncle Donald and I were looking forward to having this singular honor bestowed upon us; and so you can understand why we must leave and never show our faces in Hollywood or Cleveland again. We are well and truly Laid Low, our Dicks are in the Dirt, and believe me it is best for all concerned that we clear out of town and let our innocent families and loved ones pick up the pieces as best they can. You and your sister and all the rest are Swell Folks, and the last thing that either of us would wish for you is that you be stained by the taint of our dishonor. So Goodbye; So Long; Hasta La Vista; and the very best of Good Luck to You All.
In light of the above, it is my sad duty to inform you that:
- We will not be moving to Cleveland as planned.
- The order for the yellow 1997 Corvette convertible has been cancelled.
- There may be a few angry phone calls or angry letters or even angry visits from one or more of the following people: Jimmy Carl Black, Joey Covington, Mr Charles from Bank of Hawaii, Ms Desiree Voorhes, Ms Tamara LeFebvre, either or both of your grandmothers, and a certain colorful individual who calls himself "Skunk" or "The Skunk". You may tell these Losers whatever you like, but for God's sake, boy, DO NOT tell them where we are! This is very important - failure to heed these instructions may result in you suffering the ultimate insult - the loss of your computer(s).
- To anyone else who calls: please let them know that the "Festival of Steely Don and Walt" has been cancelled. Call the hotel in Ohio and tell them we won't be needing the top three floors for two weeks after all. Insist on a full refund - that's your college money.
O sorry day - but let us ask ourselves: what can be learned from this tragedy? Not Much; Precious Little; but, at the very least, this:
- Never send a case of honey mustard as a gift when the situation calls for an all-expenses-paid weekend at a top-of-the-line resort spa with round the clock masseuse service included.
- Do not bite the hand that feeds you until AFTER dinner.
- Obsolete digital recording equipment is the stuff of junkyards, not of museum exhibits.
- Rock and Rollers come and go, but, in the end, there is only one Fleetwood, only one Mac, only two Mamas, two Papas, and, most of all, only one Gene Vincent. This is as it must be. But how many Steely Dan'ers? None, zip, zero, zilch, nada. There may be as many as thirty (!) Santanas. And how many Eagles? As of this writing, we still do not know.
In the meantime - we are giving up on the SD website, for the time being anyway, because it is far too sad to go on. It is not impossible that, at some later date, someone may come along and carry on the important work we have begun, but for now, it's quitsville. This means that:
You will NOT be receiving any more checks for HTML programming from Steely Dan Inc., nor will your sister or your friend Mikey.All our love,
You will NOT be having a T-1 connection installed in your bedroom, as you had requested.
The "Big Bad Unix Box" you mentioned will NOT be under the Christmas tree this year.
You WILL be wearing "Steely Don & Walt - Hall of Fame '98" t-shirts for a long long time.
"Chico" and "Hector"
P.S. If you need help with your Spanish homework, send it along to: