the works |
D & W
January 28, 1999
Hey Craig - we're holed up here in River Sound and everything is going great - not exactly right on schedule, maybe a wee bit behind schedule in fact, but moving right along nonetheless - but the thing is this: when we're ready, when we come with the new album, are we gonna have a shot at getting some of that good old fashioned paid-for-by the-record-company PR or is this ridiculous impeachment business still going to be jamming up the airwaves? How are we gonna let people know we're back in action when nobody can get a word in edgewise, unless that word is "perjury" or "obstruction of justice" or "fellatio"? I mean, what's the deal here? Did you ever have that old Miles Davis record, the one where the drummer Art Blakey keeps playing after the end of the tune, and Miles says to him, "hey, when you gonna END this thing, man?" That's what we want to know - when will this soap opera be over?
Look, we have some great music and some really tacky publicity ideas but it won't matter unless we can help the country clear the airwaves of this right wing hooey before it's too late. We want to live, we want to tour, to make some m-m-music and maybe even a little m-m-money - is that so fucking wrong?
So - we have devised a compromise plan which will allow all of the parties in this noxious political foodfight to stand down with their dignities intact - ha ha ha - and we are confident that, if this plan is given a fair hearing, the impeachment debacle will be over faster than you can say "Vancouver bear carving." Here's our plan:
The impeachment trial of William Jefferson Clinton will be adjourned immediately, in exchange for the following considerations:
a) William Clinton shall hereby, for the remainder of his term in office, forgo the use of the title "President Bill Clinton" or "President Clinton." Instead, he will be referred to as "Bitchmaster Bill Clinton" or, simply, "Bitchmaster Bill" or "The Bitchmaster".
b) In deference to the crucial role he has played in the impeachment saga, Congressman Henry Hyde, a "bitchmaster" in his own right, shall be known hereafter as "Captain Kangaroo."
c) Messrs Becker and Fagen shall graciously accept an invitation to perform at the post-impeachment bacchanal at the White House, and additionally shall agree to delay publication of their historic diary of the impeachment process, provisionally entitled "Bitchmaster Bill Clinton versus the Howdy Doodies".
That should clear the way for us, I daresay. Can you have Irving call Jerry to forward The Plan to the big guys in D.C.? thanks.
While we're straightening things out, we have a plan to sidestep the so-called "Y2K" problem too. It's called "The Philian Calendar". Remember the fax we sent last week with all the funny names on it? That's the Philian Calendar. The names of the months will be replaced with the names of engineer Phil Burnett's favorite punk bands. The fax may have looked a little funky, but have you ever tried to fax a cocktail napkin? a wet one? Anyway, the names on the fax are the names of the months - January is "The Icemen", February is "Cycle Sluts" - see? November is "The Nils", "Krokus" is December. So January 1st, 2000, will be Icemen 1st, Year Zero, of the Philian age. Here at River Sound we're going to switch over to the Philian calendar immediately to help get the ball rolling.
That's the way it goes around here, these days - problems being solved, loose ends being tidied up, things coming together. It seems like the days are getting longer all the time, or maybe we're getting so much work done that it just feels that way. By the way, we have a new drop-dead date for the completion of the album - and this time we're going to make it in a walk. The last mix will be done on Sea Monster 15th. Pass it on.
the works |