To: Richard Fernandez, tour manager, Art Crimes '96
howzit cuz, are you as stoked to be home as I am? Bet you are. I'm feeling lots better these days, sleeping about 14 hours per (which as you may recall is down from 22) and feeling calm, crisp and strong. The rash is clearing up nicely and the facial tic is all but gone. However - I have finally finished unpacking and I find that I have somehow lost a few items along the way, items which I will need to recover for the remainder of the tour. A few of these, if they cannot be found, can be replaced, although not without some loss of the aura and sentimental value attached to the original. Here's the list (I want you to know I'm leaving out quite a few items which are not of great value to me, so as not to use up too much of your precious break time chasing down silly shit):
3 1/2 pairs white nike running shoes
1 pair handcuffs, real ones like the cops have
1 live vietnam-era fragmentation grenade (careful if you find this
economy size bottle of Astroglide personal lubricant
16 Oral-B toothbrushes (blue)
small vial containing 220 or so yellow aspirin, each marked "DuPont"
video entitled "What Daisy Saw"
at least 2, maybe 3 checkbooks on Bank of Hawaii account
small paper sack of chocolate covered cherries (try one if they turn
Gibson Les Paul guitar, black
charts for the show (all of them)
Dunlop guitar picks, black, 1 mm, a whole bunch
pamphlet entitled "Penko Power:Threat or Menace!"
skinny silk necktie, black with brown stripes (or vice versa)
40 or 50 socks, various
small corn cob pipe
1 canister chiba chiba, highest quality
1 gold plated alligator clip
book entitled "HTML for Idiots Vol. III"
2 or 3 "Valley of the Supervixen" action figures
small velvet sack containing 2 spanish dubloons and a couple of
Huckleberry Hound hot water bottle
some polaroid pictures (XXX)
...oh there's a lot more but as I say I don't want you to bog too badly on this little chore. Most of this stuff could have been left anywhere that we stayed. I would suggest faxing the hotels in reverse chronological order, waiting an hour or so for each reply, then removing any found items from the list so as not to confuse overmuch the people at the next hotel. Please be your usual discrete self in this matter. If the dubloons turn up you can keep'em, the marbles I may need. Thanks for your assistance and I'll talk to you soon.
p.s.: Kawai has a list too which he'll be sending along, and be forwarned: he can't find his grenade either