Random Notes From Far Arcturus
DF - say Doug - did you slip into my room last night and bash me over the head with a shovel while I was sleeping? I gotta say I feel a little rough today
WB - you know what - I gave him ten thousand yen to do exactly that, but he said he couldn't take any money, you know, under the circumstances...
DC - Funny you should mention that, Donald, because when I was about seven years old my next door neighbor cracked me with a shovel, there was blood everywhere and I needed fifteen stitches.
DF - Ouchie. Now why'd he go and do a thing like that, do you reckon?
DC - I haven't the foggiest.
WB - Oh I think I might be able to shed some light on...
1. Your obsession with time and timeliness: How many conversations, practice sessions, bagels, etc. have been interrupted by the incessant "90 minutes" "45 minutes" "20 minutes" routine? Do you think we're idiots, that we need to be reminded over and over that we have a show to do? This is the kind of maddening behavior that drives people to violence.
2. The way you walk: your insolent swagger would be an incredible asset if you were on the LAPD or if you were a prison guard or a professional wrestler. But in other situations I am not surprised to know it might drive someone to assault you with a not-so-blunt instrument.
3. You are personally acquainted with Amber Lynn and other famous superstars of porn
4. Your watch: Big shiny gold Rolex, would it be? Please refer to the "Tour demands" page for more details
5. Women find you unusually attractive: what a drag for the rest of us guys.
6. Your unerring sense of style and grace: that easy insouciance and charm, even after you've had a bad night (app. three times a week)
7. The map in your brain: the one that has all the girlie bars and croakers, in every town in the world.
8. The "Master of Ceremonies" thing: the way you control the timbre of social interaction in any group, particularly where the bandmembers are concerned. The bus being a particularly egregious example of same, and Cornelius Bumpus being a noteworthy exception.
9. Your Flashlight work: inconsistent yet bullying, serving only your own dark purposes
10. The shape of your head: overly pointy on the top, otherwise (it must be said) nicely formed. Ed: lose this one, okay? wb
11. Your car: BMW - so typical.
12. Your perennial 5 o'clock shadow: repellent to real men, fatally attractive to that shallow superficial sort of woman we all want and crave so badly we could scream.
13. Your Mazarinesque control of the center from the periphery
14. Your overly lubricious relations with ms. Michelle and ms. Carolyn: intermission/after show foot/neck massages and craniosacral adjustments, etc.
15. Your "Playboy After Dark" wardrobe: perfect for every occasion, of which there are far too many -