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Dear Mayor Giuliani:

On behalf of myself and the entire Steely Dan organization, allow me to congratulate you and your administration on your stunning court victory in the case of State of New York vs. Meyer. I consider the acquittal of an off-duty New York City police officer who fired point-blank into the chest of a man armed only with a squeegee - a man whose only offense was to slosh sudsy water on the windshield of said policeman's private vehicle as it waited at a stoplight - I view this verdict as a ringing endorsement of your administration's vaunted "quality of life" campaign on behalf of the good people of New York. You were the first, Mayor G., to identify the menace posed by unauthorized squeegee persons to the community at large, and you vowed to save us from this menace - and damn if you haven't done just exactly that!

Listen, Rudy - maybe you can help me out with a little quality of life problem I'm having over here in Lennox Hill. My building has this doorman who is the laziest, lousiest doorman I've ever seen in my life. This guy is really a bum. He must be someone's cousin or nephew because he's been working here forever, even though people have been complaining about him for years. He has made a point of being particularly rude and unhelpful to certain tenants of the building, some of whom are close personal friends of mine. When they come in with their bicycle or some groceries, most of the time he doesn't even get up to open the door for them - and when he does he only opens it part way, not really wide enough for them to get in. This guy is a loser! If you were a tenant here, Rudy, you would have had this guy's job a long time ago, guaranteed.

So I was wondering - is there any way we could get an off-duty cop up here sometime to put a slug or two in this guy's chest? This guy can be pretty threatening sometimes - the other day he came at me with one of those Fedex boxes, the ones with the sharp corners - I actually feared for my life. I could easily arrange for another Fedex delivery on the day of the shooting, if you let me know in advance when the cop is coming around. By the way, my rent is pretty high up here, and the light in the hall outside my door hasn't had a globe on it since I moved in. Maybe we could give the handyman a warning while we're at - if it's not too much trouble.

Anyway, thanks again for your help in this matter, I really appreciate it. Give me a day's notice so I can arrange things. You're a great human being and a hell of a mayor!

Your worthy constituent,

P.S. The doorman in question isn't black, in fact he's Italian. Is that gonna be a problem?

Header Graphic: Eric "Rudy" Schuttler
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